Resentment is when anger turns to bitterness about being wronged in the past by someone or something. As time goes by, resentments can grow and become resistant to forgiveness if we do not allow them to be unpacked. We can end up carrying around a backpack full of resentments that make us tired, burnt out, and just generally disenchanted with people.
If you want to lighten your load, let go of some grievances, and restore your ability to connect more freely, journal about your resentments. This can help you be more present, especially if you have no interest in confrontation but need to let go of some shit from the past.
EXERCISE
Pick one resentment (you can only doone at a time) to start with, and relax yourself prior to beginning. Light a candle or put on soothing music, stretch and breathe deeply, then settle in to journal these prompts.
- Who are you mad at? Name the person(s) you feel resentful towards, and any other feelings attached to the experience (i.e., hurt, betrayed, etc.).
- How resentful are you? Use a scale of 1-10 ( the most upset) to measure the amount of feeling your carrying around the resentment.
- What actually happened? Describe the actual events in the simplest factual terms possible. Leave out your judgements and assumptions, refrain from emoting onto the facts for this part of the work.
- What/How were your values violated? Describe the line crossed, what made it feel unfair, disrespectful, etc. (name the value and how you define it), and what you wish had happened instead. If more than one, repeat for each value violated.
- How has the relationship suffered? Describe how the relationship was before the event and what has been lost. Describe the current state of the relationship, how you feel around the person, how they might feel around you, and how much contact you have with each other. Also note how the fallout has affected your other relationships.
- What role did you play in all this? What you did/did not do that contributed to the situation. Describe the ways in which you have tried to fix it or not tried to fix it. Also look for your own behavioral patterns, defensive strategies, and how you are participating in keeping the resentment. It is important to take personal responsibility and remember that in every grievance we can find at least one thing we brought to the experience.
- What might you need to forgive the past? Describe what you think would help you let go and forgive (The 5 Apology L:anguages can help you identify this) or how might you change your perspective to move on. Also consider if this will be something you do alone or with the parties involved. Start with your own work as if you are building your half of a bridge to meet the other parties (forgiveness is solo work, apologies are connection work).
- How might you meet your emotional needs? When you look at the above information, are you left wanting some sort of thing that would make you feel better? If so, remember to meet your own needs before asking someone else to assist, that way you will be able to tell them exactly how they might help and give them a manageable piece of the work to hold.
This method has been found to be effective and is commonly used in treatment programs to help manage addiction and anger issues. It can help us free up some cognitive space and lighten our stress load, people often report feeling physically lighter after releasing resentments as well! While the method may not help with all resentments, you are likely to get at least some releif if you do more than one entry,. Are you ready to let go of the past?
MANTRA (I always like to close psychological labor with a loving affirmation)
I am free to move on from the past and it is safe to be in connection with others. I live in the present.
