Dysfunctional Family Roles

Families often function by establishing patterns together that help create and sustain the illusion of security and maintain connection. These patterns may change when faced with stressors, and can shift towards dysfunction if stressors are cummulative, reacted to poorly, or of a significant nature (trauma, financial strain, childbirth, health issues, domestic violence, etc).

When a family settles into dysfunctional patterns to cope with stress, individuals in the family often find themselves stuck in unwanted defensive roles. And even when that person resists the role, they find themselves playing the same behavioral and emotional cycle out again and again when in the family system. Sometimes, these roles can even impact the future romantic relationships of children raised in such a family system.

Family Roles

Research has found that are 7 main dysfunctional roles that emerge in struggling family systems. And a person may identify with more one of the following:

• The Scapegoat
• The Caretaker
• The Hero
• The Mascot
• The Addict/IP
• The Lost Child
• The Golden Child

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is generally blamed for real problems in the family that often have nothing to do with them. Sometimes another person in the family creates chaos that the scapegoat will try to correct, then gets the misdirected hostility meant for the origioanl disrupter. Children who are in this role are usually aware of their role in the family and may feel rejected, unlovable, and isolated. Examples of the scapegoat role:

• A child who is often sick, seen as weak, or has a chronic condition
• A defiant child who has been conditioned to understand that negative attention is better than no attention from their parent(s) or caregiver
• May get into trouble in school, both academically and socially
• May experience more and/or harsher abuse compared to other siblings or family members

In therapy, the scapegoat is typically the only one within the family who is able to be honest about the issues within the family that the other family members are denying or are unable to see. They may also be labeled as the identified patient and be sent to individual therapy, despite the core issue being family centered versus individually focused. Those in this role often experience difficulty connecting with others on a genuine level and may self-sabotage.

The Caretaker

The caretaker (enabler , placator, or martyr) attempts to maintain security in the family by denying the real issues at hand, acting in favor of smooting things over, trying to keep the peace in the midst of turmoil. Both children and adults can find themselves in this role, which ultimately prevents the family from healing and moving forward in a healthy manner due to avoidance of the underlying issues. Examples of the caretaker:

• A parentified child stepping in when one or both parents are unable to due to health or other issues, carrying the burdens of consequences for others actions or inactions.
• An codependent adult who tries to prevent any negative consequences from happening, even when someone is at fault

Those who asume the caretaker role may be drawn to partners who have issues with addiction, chronic conditions, financial stress, and mental health disorders. Caretakers often struggle with self-esteem, overwhelm, resentment, anxiety, and depression as they continue to take on the issues of those around them, and feel guilty if they try to prioritize themself or behave assertively. So they may continue the role out of anxiety that the family will fall apart if they change, and that they will end up alone, unlovable, or rejected if they upset the balance.

The Hero

The hero appears to be a high functioning, well-balanced individual who the family can point to as a solid example that backs up the family's facade of doing well. The hero allows the family to continue perpetuating the notion that everything is fine, despite there being some serious issues going on within individuals, as well as the entire family system. The hero:

• As a child may be parentified and take on the role of spouse when one of their parents is physically or emotionally unavailable
• May feel immense pressure to carry the family's appearance of success and achievement
• May insert themselves to help resolve familial issues

As an adult, the hero may be drawn to relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable. They may also throw themselves into work and experience difficulty with real intimacy.

The Mascot

The mascot uses humor and goofiness to distract from serious issues and will step in when situations become tense and volatile. When they diffuse the situation successfully, this reinforces the pressure on them to continue to distract the family from their issues. The mascot:

• Interrupts volatile situations with humor
• Acts from a place of anxiety and trauma
• May experience bouts of depression

As an adult, the mascot may feel drawn to intense and dysfunctional partnerships because they are familiar with the dynamic and feel useful when they can diffuse tension regulalry. They often continue their codependent role and are typically known to bend over backwards for others even when boundaries might suit them better. The mascot may be more likely to misuse substances themselves to enhance their comedy performance, reduce their own internal conflicts, or manage their unmet emotional needs.

The Addict or IP

The addict, also known as the identified patient, represents the culmination of the family's issues and is often seen as the source of all tension in the family. The other members often rally around the IP and this serves as a distraction from the family's other core issues. The identified patient or addict:

• May feel resistant to seeking treatment as their issues protect the family and themselves from dealing with deeper, core issues and may also bring a family together that was once more disconnected
• May feel frustrated or angry that they are the only ones who "need" help within the family, and act out to get the family confront real issues

Those who identify mostly with the addict family role, may find themselves continuing to self sacrifice, self sabotage, and if previous issues haven't been resolved, wanting to use in times of distress. They often replay their family disfuntion in unhealthy romantic relationships and with friends, wanting to get a resolution to the turmoil within.

The Lost Child

The lost child attempts to blend into the background as much as possible to keep themselves safe and to avoid upsetting the family system. They may feel ignored, neglected, and scared to draw attention to themselves, especially in abusive households. Parents may use them, like the hero role, to exemplify how great the family is doing, since they aren't causing any trouble. The lost child:

• May be described as a loner
• May have difficulty developing social skills and self-esteem

As an adult, the lost child may struggle with friendships and romantic relationships. They may prefer to be alone, as this can feel tied to their emotional and/or physical safety. In a therapy session, the lost child is often quiet, doesn't speak up unless asked to, and may feel scared or nervous to share their observations.

The Golden Child

The golden child role is often seen within families who have a parent or parents with narcissistic personality disorder. The parent or caregiver with narcissistic traits often favors the golden child, who represents all that the parent loves within themselves. Because those with NPD have an incredibly unstable view of themselves, their relationship with the golden child can often be volatile with the transfer of parent to child love on a conditional (versus unconditional) level. In families with a parent or parents with narcissistic traits, the child who is the scapegoat and the golden child are often pitted against each other. This is known as splitting; it is yet another way to distract from the family's primary issues. Despite being the "favorite", the golden child:

• Has difficulty differentiating and becoming their own self
• May participate in the abuse of others within the household in order to protect themselves from their parent(s)
• May experience abuse by the parent framed as "love"
• May disobey as a child or adult in an attempt to individuate from their parent(s)

How to change your role...

Set Boundaries

If you choose to see your family or spend time with them, stay emotionally safe by limiting the information you share with them that they could potentially used to activate the role. To refocus the conversation you can say:

• "Enough about me, what's going on with (insert topic that interests them)."
• "I'm doing well, and I'd love to hear more about your (insert topic that's important to them)."

In dysfunctional families, there is a good chance your boundaryies will be violated. If this happens, keep in mind this doesn't have to do with you, and they more than likely violate others' boundaries in the same way. Try to change the subject once again, then remove yourself from the conversation for some amount of time that lets you reset yourself. To do so you can say:

• First reassert the boundary, "I'm not interested in sharing about that anymore, but I appreciate you asking. What's going on with (insert topic you know they enjoy speaking about)?"
• Then try a reset for yourself by taking space, "I need to run and make a quick call' or " My stomach is upset, I need to go to the restroom" or "I'm going to get some fresh air, excuse me for a moment."
• If they persist to violate and continue to try to activate your role, remove yourself from the situation altogether, "I unfortunately have to head out early, but it was great catching up."

Decompress After a Stressful Interaction

It is important to not only prepare for a possibly stressful interaction with your family, but also to know how to return to a calm state afterwards. Come up with an easy ritual you can get into the habit of practicing as a way to ground yourself after an intense interaction. This can include lighting candles, meditating, going for a scenic walk, or taking a shower. Try a few different routines to see which help you feel better, prioritize pre- and post- self care for these outings.

Stay Safe in Abusive Situations

If your family has been physically abusive to you, know you have options. Be sure to document as much as you can, noting dates of incidents and injuries incurred and contact the police if there is a need for protection or prevention of further harm. If you choose to engage with the family despite the DV history, arranging for a limited time, public meetup, with your own companions present can help avoid activating the more harmful aspects of the dysfunction.

End Contact

In some instances, it is healthier to stop seeing dysfunctional family members instead of trying to stick it out. If spending time with a certain family member, or a group of family members, is causing you stress that is negatively impacting other aspects of your life, you may want to consider setting firm no-contact boundaries with them.

You Have a Choice

If you are an adult and you no longer live with your dysfunctional family, keep in mind that it is up to you to decide whether you can tolerate seeing them. If you feel seeing your family is detrimental to your mental and emotional well being, you have every right to choose not to be around them. It is normal to feel guilty, confused, angry, and sad about having to make this decision, but it is important to prioritize your health. If you choose to forgo events and other family members question your absence, you can say:

• "I'm not comfortable attending the upcoming family event based on a current relationship, but I'd love to catch up with you."
• "Unfortunately, I'm not in the best place with (insert family member), so I'm just going to bow out of the upcoming party."
• "I've decided to give myself some space from a recent negative situation I experienced at (insert event) and won't be heading to family events for the time being."

Care for Yourself

Often those who grow up in dysfunctional families feel shame, guilt, and anxiety as an adult. You may also experience symptoms of depression, and post traumatic stress disorder. This is normal, and there are plenty of resources available if you are having a difficult time on a daily basis. Keep in mind the coping skills you developed while living in the dysfunctional household may not be the healthiest, but they helped you survive at the time. Think about how you cope with stress, rejection, and emotionally charged situations. If you are not able to handle these challenging moments the way you'd like to, think about trying some new, healthy coping skills, and potentially seeing a therapist or counselor to further your growth.

Often, those who grew up or are still living in dysfunctional households are not taught appropriate self-care techniques. Know this is not your fault and there are plenty of ways you can begin reteaching yourself healthy coping strategies. Experiment with a few until you've found what works best for you.

• Go for a walk and listen to a soothing playlist when you feel emotionally overwhelmed.
• Identify your triggers by noting your emotions, the situation that set off how you're feeling, your automatic response to the trigger, and what you'd prefer to do next time.
• Reach out to a therapist or counselor if you need extra support.
• Practice breathing exercises to bring yourself back to a calm state
• Try progressive muscle relaxation to release physical tension in your body.
• Journal, draw, or paint to help you creatively process the interactions you've experienced with your dysfunctional family.
• Come up with a mantra for yourself to keep in mind during and after you've interacted with your family.
• Spend some time with animal. They are natural stress relievers.
• Plan a fun activity to do after an intense interaction with your family members. This gives you something to look forward to.
• Treat yourself to a massage or acupuncture to relieve physical tightness.
• Talk about the interaction or your family in general with a trusted friend.

Know Your Limits

Check in with yourself often if you are living with or visiting your dysfunctional family. Be sure to prepare yourself prior to the interaction and take good care of yourself afterwards. Have some boundaries ready to help yourself out of patterns you do not want to participate in, and give yourself a role to play in the family instead of the one you grew up with.

MANTRA: I may not be safe to be myself in my family, but I know who I am and can choose for myself how I respond.

Sources:

https://family.lovetoknow.com/about-family-values/6-dysfunctional-family-roles-their-characteristics

https://www.newenglandraw.com/8-dysfunctional-family-roles-addiction/